A Walk Through Fear

He was released early from prison, went directly to parole office, agreed to a program, walked out of parole office and back to streets. Mom walks back into fear.  What does fear look like?  It looks like all the reactions created by thinking and believing "he can not break free from his addiction".  BUT, is that true?

I invite you to walk with me from being captive of the fear to creating some freedom from it.   Let's do The Work and question fear!  Let's question the thought "He can not break free from his addiction".  Imagine your own situation if you've ever believed such a thought, and find your own answers, find some peace and freedom when your listen to your heart's wisdom.  

Can you absolutely know it's true "he/she can not break free from his/her addiction"?  No, no I can't possibly know that, know the future, know his path and what is possible. (feel into the truth of just not knowing vs believing the scary story)

How do you react when you believe the thought?
Fear! Worry! Grief! Anger!  I’m all over the emotional map of big hard emotions.  I have images of his overdose, images of his impending arrest, additional time in prison.  I am creating an imagined living nightmare! The payoff to believing this thought is that I’ll surrender.  The cost of believing this thought is not surrendering and accepting reality as it is.  Always more stressful. The thought, when believed, is exhausting and puts me in a very scary future that doesn’t even exist.  It makes me plead, teach, explain, give unasked for advice, and it causes disconnect.  I don’t listen, I am in a future of fear.  It moves from fear, worry, anger, disgust, desperation, so many big emotions that prevent my calm and clarity.  I can not fully see or hear him or accept that my way is just not his way. F'ing fear!  I hate it too!  More stress! 

Who would you be without the thought "he/she can not break free from his/her addiction" (same situation and circumstances)?  

Noticing and accepting the magnitude of issues that are beyond my control, even ability. Compassion for me and for him.  Present with the fear and every other emotion that arises.  Noticing the worry and concern but not trapped in it.  More clear that this is not the time to try to have any rational conversation.  Seeing my choices, just how much and how I can be involved and maintain my own health needs and sanity.  I don’t know about the future or his path, not even my own or anyone else’s, I surrender to this day, these moments. There is little to say, silence seems to be what makes the most sense. I honor the hardness of it.  I am crystal clear my own healing and peace is absolutely necessary.  I allow my tears and fears as they co-exist with not knowing, I offer ideas and realize none are accepted. I request a peaceful goodbye with a hug, I invite him to call, I apologize that I can’t do more. I forgive myself that I can't or choose not to do more for valid reasons. I acknowledge that I am tired, I am unwilling to cater to demands and expectations. And I have more compassion and patience, he is so traumatized that it makes so much sense he will risk his long-term freedom and health for the immediate escape back to streets and substances. I pray, I meditate that God fill me again with the love the transcends addiction and any other earthly struggle.  I feel the peace that when I can do little else, this is a big thing to do. Perhaps the most important thing to do.  Grieving continues. I embrace it all, the feeling is healing, to avoid it has become more painful. I know I must do my own healing “work”, want to, and so I do.

Turning the thought around:

1. He can break free from his addiction.  It is possible if and when and it is up to him.  I can not do it for him.  There are many ways to be free, and his freedom is not up to me. 

2. I can’t break free from his addiction.  I can not unless and until and only if and when I do my own inner healing.  It is possible when I pray and meditate into a surrendered, more spiritual love, getting out of my son’s business and out of God’s business about my son’s path and the future, and into the purity of God’s business where there is no condition for Love, no time, no story, no description that words can measure.   

3. I can’t break free from my own addiction.  Addiction to my thoughts?  Addiction to my son’s health?  Addiction to all my stories of being victim of addiction?  These are not entirely true.  Because there are plenty of moments that I can break free.  I can't break free if I don't do my own healing.  I can break free if and when I do. 

Insights, Realizations, Life Application: 

There is freedom, peace is possible even in the midst of heartache and struggle.  It may be impermanent, that is the human and earthy condition, it seems everything is impermanent.  Still, breaking free is possible, freedom is possible.  And so I am thankful for the ways to do so.  And I do those ways.  This is the kindest, most loving gift I could ever give to myself, and my child.  

Love will and does win here! 

Thanks for walking with me. 

Joanne

PS:  How did you experience your personal walk through fear?  Let me know so we can walk in peace together too! 

PPS:  As we bring our intentions to Healing, to Love and Inner Peace, I invite you to take a look at more inspiration from my heart to yours. You can download these freebies here: 

How to Find Peace When You Worry - a guide with 3 powerful ways to be OK when things aren't OK. 

Letter from A Child - a message from a child struggling with substance use to a parent on what love can look like.

Love Shows Up Here - a guide to how love can guide you to show up at your best

Website:  https://www.joannerichards.life/

Email:  [email protected]